if I could turn back time
by preciousasil
Summary: House's back to his house another day, another one of thoughts... without Stacy. She's gone! But seems he won't stop thinking about it! And his conscience too... Song used: Questo piccolo grande amore - Claudio Baglioni


Nothing's like before, everything changed, everything revolutionazed.. everything's too fast!!_Her thin t-shirt, so thin I could imagine everything __1_

It's just thoughts haunting the desolation of my heart, I left the only beautiful thing in my life, the sole special person.

_I really love you… I swear I really do… I love you I really love you_

So idiot not telling before, so idiot for telling so late, and now it's the end.

House walked in his apartment limping, another evening would have ended in beer and chips on his sofa, the tv on and his Vicodin ready in his neighbourhood. Everything was empty, after two months it looked even more empty, though he smelled the woman essence. Him, the one who never wanted to be close to somebody, he was discovering now Love's pains.

*What's your problem?*

"What the hell…?" he heard that voice, calm and sensual was questionino him. He searched for it, he could barely see the face but wasn't clear and defined, a spectral figure mostly, a birth of his mind. He took two pills and moved to the piano. Soft fingers slid on the white keys, making sounds but without any particolar sense, just painful notes.

*Why don't you answer?*

"Why don't you show yourself?" and silence again. So his fingers back to slide on the keys and mixing whites and back, sprouding a real melody, within the voice of his thoughts.

_And her, she looked me with suspect but then she smiled and hold me tight… and I, I never understood a thing considerino now I can't put away from my mind she…_

There wasn't anything more intoxicating apart the touch of the cruel humanity.

*You can just go on… don't keep turning it over!*

"Sure… let's make anything happened. I'm not limping, I am really jumping on one feet. And the cane… illusion… and pills…mmm fresh mint!"

*You know what's to forget…*

"Your annoying voice!" and silence again. That voice sounded so shy answering and music shouted much more while he tried to suffocate his thoughts.

_And hands more anxious for forbidden things and flat songs shouted to the sky up there "the first reaching that wall…"_

But thoughts were stronger, pushing and make a space with flashes of forgotten scenes, whispered words but maybe would have been better them to shut up. Wasn't so easy to come back playing, and even more when on his hands a tear was falling from eyes. He suddenly popped other two pills, hoping the pain to his leg would have gone and watched the sofa for a while, thinking if to fall on it and let himself dying there.

*Go on… go on*

"Are you having fun, aren't you?" but despite all he followed the orders like he couldn't do elseway, like that song was important like breathing… heart's beating… the feeling of himself.

_I'm not sure if I really love you… I'm not… I'm not sure…_

"I can't go on!" he suddenly stopped playing and close the piano, but didn't move. He didn't like to give a voice to images passing through his mind, those watery eyes, those trembling lips and tear losing on his tongue which was nevrotically moving on his mouth.

*You know what's to do… the way you're searching for… you already found it… you know what you feel*

"I don't know what I feel to myself". He moved again his fingers on the keys.

_And her, suddenly she didn't speak but I understood on her face she was suffering… and I…_

*And you?*

House stopped to think and tears became more and more, more pressing and didn't want to stop.

*You cried!*

"I know it by myself!... I made you go away…" he stooped on the instrument and closed his head in the hands' hug.

*Who are you talking to?*

_Just now I see that her… _He couldn't answer in another way to that question.  
He was the only one to know who he were talking to.

"If you were here I'd hit you!"

*I am who you want me to be. I'm the voice you gave to your conscience. I say what you want me to say. I feel what you want me to feel.*

"Then shut up, 'cause I want you to shut up!". Silence reigns over the most noisy human places: the heart. The emptiness was echoing in the silence.

"Are you still here?" but none answered.

"Cool. You run away… the real Cuddy wouldn't. She would have been here still driving me crazy!" he came back playing the piano but didn't sing this time, he wasn't brave enough, or just for the lack of strength and will.

_*She was a little giant Love just a little giant Love nothing more of this… nothing more…*_

_I miss so much that little giant love of her now that I'd know what to say now that I'd know what to do now that…_

1 Questo piccolo grande amore (= This little giant Love) – Claudio Baglioni


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